The Game of Play
by Dana R. Luder
Summary: Harry meets a strange entity and must rescue Hermione from a dark castle guarded by a fire-breathing dragon. Audience participation - and Chapter 2 up!
1. Dana R. Luder

A/n: This is the first HP I've ever done, and I have **no idea** why I did it. I think it's retarted. But I'd love to hear what you think. 

  
The Game of Play 

[Setting: it is early morning, on a summer's day. Harry is asleep in his bed. He yawns, opens his eyes, and stretches. Reaching for his glasses, he opens the shades on the window. It is snowing heavily outside.] 

Harry: (thinking) Hmm ... that's strange. It was clear last night. (shrugs) Who knows anymore! Since finding out I'm a wizard, my parents didn't really die in a car crash and Sirius Black is my godfather, I could believe anything. (closes window) 

[Harry walks downstairs for breakfast. Halfway to the bottom, he assumes a shocked expression and nearly trips the rest of the way down] 

Harry: (thinking) Hey! It's my birthday today! That would explain it! I bet Ron and Hermione planned the snow. I wonder what else they've got in mind? 

[grins and leaps the rest of the way down] (THUD) 

[No yelling comes from Aunt Petunia or Uncle Vernon] 

Harry: (shrug) 

[Harry opens the fridge. We see eggplant, plums, cabbage, a pomegranate, some moldy stuff, purple potatoes, purple carrots ...] 

Harry: Hey! All we have is purple stuff! What's going on? 

[He opens the freezer. In it is blueberry pie, concentrated grape juice, and some maroon-coloured popsicles. Cupboards contain only purple candies and a purple box of pop-tarts. The pantry holds a basket of turnips and some more purple potatoes.] 

Harry: What the - 

(Pause) 

Harry: Is this some sort of new diet for Dudely? 

[Harry walks into the living room, where we can see the top of Uncle Vernon's head over his armchair.] 

Harry: Uncle Vernon? 

[no answer] 

Harry: Sir? Could I please get something to eat? I don't know what's happened to the food in this house ... 

[no response] 

[Harry cautiously circles the chair, to face Uncle Vernon] 

[Vernon is not moving. No breath, no sound at all. His eyes seem glassy and dead as they stare at the newspaper in front of him. We notice Aunt Petunia and Dudely, sitting on the couch in front of the television. Dudely has a spoon full of pudding halfway to his flabby mouth.] 

Harry: Hey! How come you get pudding? 

[Bemused, he picks up the remote and tries to flip channels. He gets only still pictures. Voldemort crosses his mind and he tries to panic] 

[Harry rocks back and forth on the floor, a crazed look in his eyes] 

Harry: (sings) Down by the bay, where the watermelon grows, back to my home, I dare not go, for if I do, my mother will say, did you ever see a fridge, full of purple food, down by the bay! Down by the bay ... 

(BOOM) 

[Harry looks up at the explosion. A large amount of blue smoke is coming from the kitchen. A shadowy figure in a dark robe emerges, laughing raucously.] 

Shadowy Figure: Mwahaha. Mwahaha, MWAHAHA!!!! MWAHA - (inhales smoke) *cough, cough* 

Harry: Uh ... sir ... are you okay? 

Shadowy Figure: (nods) Just - *cough* a sec - (coughs violently) 

[Shadowy Figure regains composure and straightens up, raising its arms.] 

Shadowy Figure: (in a booming voice) How do you feel, eh, Harry? 

Harry: Uh, who are you? 

Shadowy Figure: I am the all-powerful, majestic - hey, wait a minute! I asked you first! 

Harry: Did not. 

Shadowy Figure: Did too. 

Harry: Not! 

Shadowy Figure: Too! 

Harry: Not! 

Shadowy Figure: Not. 

Harry: You did too! I remember! 

[Shadowy Figure laughs a little] 

Harry: (scratches head) Wait ... what were we arguing about again? 

Shadowy Figure: (hesitates) Uh - do not waste my time with your ignorance, mortal! You lost! Now, how do you feel? 

Harry: (shrugs) Okay, I guess. But I'd like something to eat that's not purple or moldy. 

Shadowy Figure: Haha, so you discovered the food, eh? 

Harry: (suspiciously) What did you do to it? 

Shadowy Figure: Oh, I hate the colour purple, so I decided that as long as I was going to freeze time, I would switch all my purple food with yours. 

Harry: Why would you do that? 

Shadowy Figure: I told you, I don't like purple. It's such an ugly colour. 

Harry: Oh. Right. 

[Pause] 

Harry: Well, since you're in my house and I answered your question, do you mind telling me who you are? Can I at least see your face? 

Shadowy Figure: How dare you ask such a thing of me, you blasted mortal! To gaze upon my face, such elegance, such beauty! You couldn't handle it! 

Harry: How dare you enter my house, you blasted ... uh ... whatever you are. Just try me! 

Shadowy Figure: Wouldn't you at least like to know why I'm here? 

Harry: No! I want to know who you are. 

Shadowy Figure: (mutters and sighs) Blasted mortal ... 

[Snape lowers hood and looks contemptuously at Harry.] 

Harry: (looks shocked for a second and then bursts into laughter) Hahaha!!! 

Snape: (looks insulted) oh, fewmets, wait a sec - (peels off mask) There, that's better. (Shadowy Figure is now a girl, about fifteen or sixteen, with shoulder-length brown hair and green eyes.) 

Girl: (sternly) silence, mortal! I rule all! 

Harry: (clears throat and becomes relatively respectful) Uh ... ma'am ... okay, what do you want? 

Girl: (ignoring him) First of all, Harry, it's probably a good idea, when some omniscient being enters your house in a puff of smoke, not to be so belligerent about everything. And secondly, my name is Dana R. Luder, and I am the author of this fic. You are - 

Harry: What does the R. stand for? 

Dana: That is not for you to know. I am the author of this fic. You are totally under my control. I can make you do whatever I like, whenever I - 

Harry: (laughs) no way! I don't have to do anything you say. 

Dana: Oh, yes, you do, Harry. You should see what some other authors have had you do. Even - (she leans in and whispers something in his ear) 

Harry: (looking mortified) No! Not Malfoy! 

Dana: (nodding sagely) Yes. Malfoy. And I can make you do worse than that, if I feel like it. Now - 

Harry: What do you want with me? 

Dana: (irritated) It doesn't matter. You're my character - you will do whatever I command. 

Harry: I'm your character? 

Dana: (hesitates) Uh - well - actually - you're J.K. Rowling's. She created you. I'm just borrowing you for my fic. 

Harry: (indignant) I was not created! I'm me! 

Dana: Yes, yes of course you are. Now in this fic, I've decided to have you rescue Hermione. 

Harry: Hermione? Why? Is she in trouble? 

Dana: Well, not yet, but she will be, Harry. It's all up to you now. 

Harry: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HERMIONE?!? 

Dana: Calm down, Harry. It's not like she's trapped in an ancient castle, guarded by a fire-breathing dragon, or anything. 

Harry: (suspiciously) Really? 

Dana: No, actually, she really is in a castle. But all the better for our audience! 

Harry: Audience? 

Dana: Yeah, see them, right out there? (points) That's our audience. Hi! (waves at you) 

Harry: Oh, right. I was wondering what they were doing there. (waves) Hi there! 

You: (speechless, because you have been greeted by the almighty Harry Potter) 

Harry: (turning back to Dana, sarcastically) So, when do I start this gallant adventure? 

Dana: Now. Well, actually, in the next chapter. I can't write much more for you now, because I have to leave for my ferry in about fifteen minutes. 

Harry: When will you be back? 

Dana: Probably not until next weekend. I don't have a computer at my house hooked up yet. 

Harry: (frantically) What happens until then? Am I just going to be stuck here? With Dudely? And Aunt Petunia? And Uncle Vernon? In a time freeze? WITH A FRIDGE FULL OF PURPLE FOOD? (clutches at Dana's robes) PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME! 

Dana: (horrified) Mortal! Stop groveling! Grahh! (snatches her robes away from him and wipes them off) Fewmety mortal ... why didn't I write about someone sensible, like myself? I have to finish that story anyway ... 

Harry: (sniffling) 

Dana: (glares at him for a moment) Fine. I will lift the time freeze until I get back. Feel free to try to contact Hermione. It won't work. 

Harry: Does this mean you'll take back all the purple food? 

Dana: Oh, _fewmets,_ I suppose so. 

Harry: (grins) All right, Ms. Author, I'll be seeing you then. 

Dana: Don't feel so lucky, Mr. Potter. Remember you have to live with your Muggle family for the next week now. And my name is Dana R. Luder. 

Harry: (pointedly) Right. Of course. I'll see you later. 

Dana: Okay. My ferry's leaving now, so I will leave you. (waves her hand.) There. The time freeze is lifted. Goodbye, young Harry ... (fades) 

Harry: (opens fridge) All right! Broccoli! 

End Chapter 1 

  
A/n: All right, so that was Chapter one -- let me know and I'll post another one soon! 


	2. Into the Mist

A/N: K, so Shea (dawning era) invented the time freeze from last chapter. I'm sorry. I promise it will be returned unharmed. Thank you!  
  
Chapter 2  
  
[Setting: Nighttime, probably just after midnight. Harry is asleep in his bed, the door is open and all is peaceful. Or so it would seem …]  
  
(BOOM)  
  
Harry: (sleepily) Wha …  
  
[a cloud of blue smoke comes out from the closet. A shadowy figure emerges.]  
  
Harry: (grabbing his glasses, finally waking up) Oh no, not this again.  
  
Figure: Guess who?  
  
Harry: Danna … uh … Ruler?  
  
Figure: (insulted) Dana R. Luder. (To herself) fewmety (mutter mutter mutter) mortal …  
  
Harry: Yes, of course, Ms. Author. How may I serve you, Ruler?  
  
Dana: (glares) Don't make me inflict my unlimited author powers.  
  
Harry: Sorry! Sorry, Dana. Um … what are you here for?  
  
Dana: I've finally gotten around to writing the next part of your story, and so it's time you went into the castle to rescue Hermione.  
  
Harry: (pressing Indiglo on his watch) Aw, but … can't we go tomorrow … I'm too tired …  
  
Dana: (glares threateningly)  
  
Harry: But on the other hand, who wouldn't want to get out of their house at one in the morning to put themselves in mortal danger? Let's go!  
  
Dana: Not so fast! I think you need to know what's happening first. Now, did you try to contact Hermione while I was gone?  
  
Harry: No.  
  
Dana: (looks surprised) Wow - I thought you would have tried, Harry. It's not like you.  
  
Harry: She contacted me first.  
  
Dana: What??  
  
Harry: yeah. She called to wish me happy birthday, and I told her about you, and she said not to be ridiculous and that it was all a dream. Seemed quite insistent, actually.  
  
Dana: What? How did this happen? I charm it, I hex it, I spell it, I curse it, I tap his friggin phone ... grahhhhhh!!!  
  
Harry: (grins)  
  
Dana: (glares and raises her pencil menacingly) I'm warning you, Mr. Potter ...  
  
Harry: You know, that can get kind of annoying after awhile. I know you'll never actually do anything with that pencil. You just want to control me.  
  
Dana: (grins evilly) oh no?  
  
Harry: And another thing - when you enter my house, you always bring all that smoke with you. And then I have to clean it out, or the Durselys might think I'm a pothead. You wouldn't want them to think that, would you? And you don't respect me at all. Remember that time ... (rambles on)  
  
Dana: (gets out her pencil and notebook and scribbles furiously)  
  
Harry: ... and then you come here in the middle of the night (voice starts to get squeaky) and wake me up (voice is very high and squeaky) and tell me I'm off to fight a dragon and (voice is shrill) rescue ..... Hey! (in awful, falsetto voice) What's going on?  
  
Dana: I warned you, Mr. Potter ...  
  
[As Harry watches helplessly, his hair grows longer, his body becomes much more curvaceous, chin more pointed, and his eyes are framed with long, dark lashes. His pajamas also turn themselves into a nice, frilly, pink nightgown.]  
  
Harry: (shrieks) What have you done to me?! My voice! My beautiful voice!  
  
Dana: Oh, that's not the worst of it, Mr. Potter - why don't you just run along and see if you can't figure out what the worst really is.  
  
Harry: (looks at her for a moment in disbelief) You didn't -  
  
Dana: (appears mildly amused)  
  
[Harry runs out of the room and to the bathroom]  
  
Harry: (muffled, wrestling with his nightgown) How do I get this thing off?? Arghh! How do girls do this all the time? (mumble mumble ... then a short silence and .. ) Oh dear lord.  
  
You: I don't get it.  
  
Dana: (annoyed) I turned him into a girl. That means all of him ... if you get what I mean ...  
  
You: (still not getting it) Uh, I knew that.  
  
Dana: (gives you a 'riiiight' look) of course you did.  
  
[Harry comes back from the washroom in his nightgown, looking pale, and partially covering that-area-of-his-body with his hands]  
  
Harry: (squeakily) How could you ... you ... give it back!  
  
You: Oh, I get it!  
  
Harry: (glares at you and looks about to cry) Dana!  
  
Dana: (still looking mildly amused) do you promise to be good?  
  
Harry: Yes! Anything! Please!  
  
Dana: Anything, eh? Hmm ...  
  
You: Dana, maybe you should just ... you know ... change him back ... don't you think he's suffered enough?  
  
Dana: (to you) Silence, you fool! (to herself) Fewmety mortals, trying to tell me what to do ... (to you) You know, in most stories, the audience just reads the damn story and STAYS OUT OF IT!  
  
You: (shrug and grin gleefully) you know, Dana, it's really not a good idea to insult your audience. They don't tend to like you too much that way.  
  
Dana: I can say whatever I like! You're stupid!  
  
You: (threaten to hit the 'back' button on your browser)  
  
Dana: Noooooooooo! Please don't leave! I'm sorry! I need you to write me reviews!! Pleeeasssseeee!!!  
  
You: (smile) That's better. Now, change Harry back to a boy. I don't like seeing him this way.  
  
[Harry is crouched on the floor, rocking back and forth and singing, a crazed look in his eyes ...]  
  
Harry: Down by the bay, where the watermelon grows, back to my home, I dare not go, for if I do, my mother will say ... did you ever see a boy, turned into a girl, down by the bay! Down by the bay ...  
  
[Dana gives you a long-suffering look and painfully takes out her eraser and wipes the notebook clean. Harry returns to normal, and you sit back in your chair, put your hands behind your head and grin. You've never had this much power over someone else's story before!]  
  
Harry: (gets up, runs to the bathroom. In a second we hear a whoop of delight. He runs back into the room.) THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU DANA!!!  
  
You: (clear throat)  
  
Harry: Them again. What do they want this time?  
  
Dana: They just want attention. They've never been written about before.  
  
Harry: Oh. Um, can we go now? I really don't want to be turned into anything else.  
  
Dana: Sure. Just give me a second ... (gets out her notebook and scribbles some more)  
  
[The background fades and is replaced by a forest. It is fairly dark, and scary, and some sort of mist seems to be hanging off the ground.]  
  
Harry: Where's the castle?  
  
Dana: Your first task is to find it. Have fun!  
  
Harry: wait! What was that you said about a dragon earlier?  
  
Dana: Oh – right, maybe you should have armor of some kind ...  
  
Harry: (mutters) Damn straight ...  
  
Dana: (glares) don't get the impression that you're going to tell me what to do, Mr. Potter. I still have unlimited author powers.  
  
Harry: Not as long as I have your audience! (grins widely at you)  
  
You: (have to take a couple minutes out while you dance, scream, parade around like a fool and email everyone you've ever known to tell them that HARRY POTTER KNOWS WHO YOU ARE!!!)  
  
[a couple minutes pass]  
  
[you return, still grinning stupidly]  
  
Dana: That was ANNOYING, audience. You're holding us up. (to Harry) All right, you're getting armor. (scribbles, and Harry finds himself clothed in some pretty decent chain mail, complete with a solid metal helmet, body, arm, and leg protectors, a shield, a knife, sword, and scabbard.)  
  
Harry: (falls over) Uh, I think it's a bit too heavy. I'll just magic it lighter, okay ...  
  
Dana: NO! That's another rule. No magic in the castle.  
  
Harry: Well, if I can't get UP, I guess it won't be a problem, now will it?  
  
Dana: (sighs and scribbles some more) There. I wrote it lighter. Now get up.  
  
Harry: (rises) Much better. And what's this mist around here?  
  
Dana: Fog.  
  
Harry: Oh.  
  
Dana: What did you expect? Ammonia gas?  
  
Harry: I don't know ... how am I supposed to find the castle in this?  
  
Dana: Oh, that's right, you get help. He should be somewhere around here ... (whistles)  
  
[A hippogriff comes running out of the mist]  
  
Harry and You: Buckbeak!!  
  
Dana: (bows to Buckbeak, who bows in return.) Yes. He knows where the castle is. And audience, I thought I told you to stay out of this.  
  
You: Too late there.  
  
Harry: Where's Sirius?  
  
Dana: What?  
  
Harry: SIRIUS!!!  
  
Dana: I'm sure he'll show up, sooner or later. Now go on, Harry, Hermione could be being eaten by that dragon right now ...  
  
Harry: Can't I have my broom?  
  
Dana: Absolutely not.  
  
Harry: (pouts)  
  
Dana: NO.  
  
Buckbeak: (paws the ground eagerly)  
  
Harry: All right - let's go, Buckbeak. (starts off to the left)  
  
Buckbeak: (snorts and heads off to the right)  
  
Harry: (offscreen) Hey - where am I - I can't see anything! I'm lost! Help!!!  
  
Dana: (sighs exasperatedly) Fewmety mortal! (whistles) Buckbeak! (he comes) Buckbeak, please go rescue Harry, and for fewmets' sake don't let him out of your sight, okay? He's not the brightest crayon in the box ...  
  
You: Take that back!  
  
Dana: (annoyed, but remembering the potential consequences) I ... take it back.  
  
You: Now say you're a moron.  
  
Dana: (glares and ignores you) Buckbeak, just go find Harry, okay?  
  
[Buckbeak and Dana bow and he trots off to the right]  
  
Dana: Now, about YOU -  
  
You: I said to say you're a moron!! I'm gonna leave!  
  
Dana: Fine. You're a moron.  
  
You: (looking a bit confused) No, I said say you're a moron ...  
  
Dana: That's what I did. Here, I'll say it again. You're a moron.  
  
You: But ...  
  
Dana: I don't have time to argue with you about this right now. My ferry is leaving and I'm not packed yet.  
  
You: But ...  
  
Harry: (from off-screen) Dana, you'd better get back and write the rest of this a whole lot faster than it took you last time!  
  
Dana: Yeah, okay, I'll try ...  
  
[Dana leaves in a puff of smoke. Harry and Buckbeak are nowhere to be seen, and now that you think about it, this forest looks a little creepy. An owl hoots and you jump, scared.]  
  
You: But ...  
  
  
  
******  
  
End Chapter 2  
  
A/N: I'm taking suggestions - tell me what you want to see happen, and maybe it'll get in. I mean, now that the audience is controlling the story anyway, I might as well ... *giggle* this chapter was fun. I'll really try to cut down on the wait this time. Gotta go, ferry! 


End file.
